One spiritual gift I have been blessed with sometimes feels like a curse. I have an ability to feel sympathy for those in severe circumstances, sometimes to an extreme degree. I dream about them, I lose sleep over their tragedies, and I feel their pains.
The first time I noted this was as a young school girl. I read in the paper about a grandpa accidentally running over his toddler grandchild. I dreamt that night that I was at the funeral for this child, who was laid in a large casket with the lower half of her body in a closed jewelry box. I couldn’t imagine what sorrow this grandpa felt. I was sure he didn’t mean to hurt his grandbaby.
After moving to a new area, our new friends were in a car accident . Because my husband was also their family physician, we got a call that one of their children was not breathing. I felt devastating sorrow and panic. At the time we were traveling to see a Christmas play and were 30 minutes from home. We turned around and headed for the hospital. Within the traveling car, we prayed for our new friend’s. When we reached the hospital, Bryce and I literally ran up to the Emergency Room entrance. My husband ran behind the ER doors and I was left with the other concerned family members in the lobby. Tears were everywhere. I felt so helpless. That night at home, I could not fall asleep. Every time I closed my eyes, the pain of their loss was in my chest. I felt almost as if I had lost one of my children.
One evening I was watching our local news when I heard a story of a 6-year-old boy who received a fatal blow to the head by his father in the family kitchen. As the details surrounding his abuse emerged, my heart grew troubled with compassion for this child and outrage at his father's use of force. He was severely treated by the one man who was supposed to love and protect him. I imagined what the boy’s brief years on this earth were like: a loveless life filled with unkindness, physical abuse, and chaos. I wept bitterly for a child I had never met.
Following this report and between heaving sobs, I imagined this boy’s final moments in detail, filling in the blanks with my overactive imagination. I hoped the “Dad” would be given the death penalty. He must be an absolute monster. My sorrow had never been quite as vocal as it was this night. This grieving, so real and emotional, would have been embarrassing if someone had come into the room. I decided I needed to gain control of myself before my kids saw me. I decided to hide in the adjoining bathroom and pray. I knew the boy was in God’s tender care. He was saved from any harm ever again. I also prayed this man would get the justice he deserved. When I finished, I felt a bit better but still needed som perspective so I returned to my bed and opened my scriptures to a passage I believe was not by accident:
“And now... I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring YOU down unto repentance.” Alma 42: 30
On a very few occasions in my life, when it has been really important, I have received direct answers to my deepest concerns in specific verses of scripture. Surprisingly, this was one of those times and this is what I took from it.
The only person I can control is myself.
The only one I can repent for is myself.
People will receive their justice according to God whether in this life or the next. Wallowing in their mistakes is useless unless it reminds me of my own and motivates me to repent.
Rather than worrying about what someone else has done, I need to “first cast out the beam out of (my) own eye.” Luke 6:41
With this new perspective, I have been able to handle disappointments with more grace. Everyone is on their own journey and no one is perfect, most especially me. Since that day in 2012. I have, been able to apply this scripture multiple times. Before I judge, I need first ask, "Lord, is it I?"
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